The Alternative Democratic Convention Schedule
By: Rachel Marsden
The party that opposes waterboarding our enemies has been busy Chinese water torturing the American public this week as details of the schedule for their upcoming Democratic National Convention painfully drip forth. Frankly, it all sounds rather boring. So I figured I’d make them a better itinerary, which they are free to use:
Opening Remarks – Michelle Obama: “Do Elitists Spend Time Making Their Own Presidential Seal?
Michelle Obama will explain why her husband is not the elitist right-wingers are trying to make him out to be. She will use slides to make her case: Obama bicycling around Chicago in blue jeans, bowling in a suit and tie, and leaving a note on Israel’s Western Wall asking God to protect him from his own overinflated ego. Mrs. Obama will further connect with the common man by explaining how their family lessens the strain of high gas prices by telling other Americans to pump up their tires.
Session One – Al Gore: “Cough It Up For The Earth…And Big Al”
Al Gore – former Democratic Vice-President turned patron saint of drowning polar bears — will bicycle in from the campsite down the street and will appear, in a recyclable organic hemp suit, to request that all attendees compute the amount of carbon they spewed into the atmosphere as they made their way to the convention. The formula used will be: [distance you travelled to the convention, in miles] x [your weight] x [Al Gore’s weight] = [how much you owe the United Nations for your guilt, in dollars]. Volunteers will come around and collect your contributions, and your address, which will then be sold to telemarketers seeking to target the elusive “guaranteed sucker” demographic. These will be added to the phone numbers collected by Obama when he said he’d text message you his Vice-Presidential pick, if you’d just let him.
Session Two – Bill and Hillary Clinton: “Tailgating With Bill And Hill”
The former President and First Lady will be in the parking lot hosting a tailgate party and beer pong tournament – because these two are trouble and belong outside. They’re trying to undermine the democratic process with a little trick that’s known as “democracy”, and it’s not going to happen in front of TV cameras, if anyone can help it. Democracy for Hillary ended back in June – and now it’s time for the Clintons to fire up the BBQ and stuff some coleslaw into their faces while St. Obama of Spare Change addresses his flock.
Session Three – John Edwards: “Counting With Johnny”
John Edwards will take the official count of convention attendees – if only because things are a bit tense at home right now, and he needs a break. He can count the attendees, then jack up the figure, like liberals do with gay pride parades. As an added entertainment bonus, Edwards will be able to channel the voices of Democrats who were unable to attend – just like he has done in the past with dead people, as a medical malpractice trial attorney.
Session Four – Half-Time Entertainment: “Bustin’ (A Move) Out Of The Closet!”
Preachers from Barack Obama’s longtime, militant “black power” church (Reverend Jeremiah Wright and Father Michael Pfleger) will be joined by other pals (Jesse Jackson and rapper Ludacris) who conveniently became speed bumps for Obama’s Hopemobile when they threatened his image. They will “rap off” against each other for kicks, while wearing shock collars controlled by Obama campaign staff.
Session Five – “The Celebrity Tourette De Force”
All the celebrities Barack Obama has kept out of view – forcing George Clooney to hold supporting fundraisers overseas, for example – will now each take a turn at the microphone to see if they can beat the last presidential election’s top performances: Sharon Stone saying that there would have been hot lesbian action in Catwoman if it wasn’t for President Bush, and Cameron Diaz proclaiming that “if you want rape to be legal, then don’t vote.” Or the gold standard, provided by Barbra Streisand in an ALL-CAPPED statement on her website, at the time: “BUSH FAILED TO SECURE NEARLY 400 TONS OF KNOWN, DEADLY EXPLOSIVES IN IRAQ, AND NOW THEY MAY FALL INTO THE WRONG HANDS TO BE USED TO BLOW UP AIRPLANES, LEVEL BUILDINGS AND DETONATE NUCLEAR WEAPONS.” Celebrities in this session are free to use Streisand’s statement as a springboard – if time permits – to pick up the debate over the “non-WMDs” in Iraq.
Session Six – “Is Obama Smarter Than A Fifth Grader?”
Obama will square off against fifth graders in a series of knowledge testing questions which have previously stumped the candidate, such as: How many states are there in America? What is the maximum length of a presidential term in the USA? Which is more evil – Russia or Georgia? Does money grow on trees?
Closing Session – The Canonization of St. Barack
The One formerly known as the “presumptuous Democratic nominee” will now officially become St. Barack of Comlibtardia. In his acceptance speech, he’ll remind everyone that if elected, he will destroy anything that tramples on civil liberties, and add, “But hey, whatever, I’ve got all your cell phone numbers now, anyway.”
Rachel Marsden is a New York based political and media strategist, and the CEO and Editor-in-Chief of GrandCentralPolitical.com. Her first book about politics is due out next year. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org